Wow. This point seemed so far way last year, and yet here we are (give or take a day for editing). This year has been one of the most emotionally and physically draining ones of my entire life… In fact it’s probably fighting for top spot. Between work, surgeries and life in general – it’s all just sort of piled on this year, but it has been totally worth it. If you’d told me two years ago that today I’d be waiting on confirmation for my final stage of Phalloplasty – I would have laughed at you. But enough of the waffling, let’s get into it.
PSYCHOLOGICAL STUFF
Penis
This year I had a whole new appendage to get used to running around with! I never really used packers in any way, shape or form because I found they just made things worse (not for lack of trying); and I didn’t even really use stand-to-pee devices either, except for camping or as a backup on long road trips. So I was quite nervous to see how I dealt with this thing suddenly being between my legs, that I couldn’t get rid of!
As it turns out, the change came as naturally as breathing (once the worrying about it falling off subsided!). I’m still quite aware of him when I’m trying to get to sleep; but other than that, it’s like he’s always been there. To be honest, I think the sleep thing is just me worrying I’ll squish him…
Arm
The decision to have RFF Phalloplasty comes with one fairly large drawback – a massive scar in a very visible place. If I’m honest: RFF wasn’t my first choice. I’d basically decided to go with the MLD technique with one of the teams in Serbia, for a number of reasons. Then I found out about Hans, and I decided that the obvious scar was worth not having to make a number of overseas trips; and the benefits of having a surgeon in the same country also weighed in on the matter.
I have to say that at no stage have I worried about what people think of my scar. Even when it was bright green from infection, my only concern was getting it to heal. I’ve found that most people don’t ask, and if they do – I tell them that it’s a skin graft that got infected. If people get really pushy, I tell them that it’s not something I like to talk about.
ARM
Feeling
I have some form of feeling back in the whole of my graft site. Varying from pressure-sensation through to about 90% complete feeling.
The worst areas are where the infection was. The scarring is worst there too, and I think that’s affecting things at the moment.
Appearance
There is still some significant scarring that is slowly but surely getting better. Had it not gotten infected, you wouldn’t know it was there if you were just walking past.
The scarring is getting better every single day, some days it’s pinker than others. If I do a massive workout, the scar goes purple until I cool it down. I’ve noticed that I can’t sweat through the graft. Hopefully this will change as things heal further, but for now I just pour water over my arm and that does the same thing.
My graft has some areas on it where the pigmentation has darkened slightly. I spoke to my hand therapist who looked into it… Basically, no one really knows why it happens. It can go both ways (lighter or darker), and it doesn’t happen all the time – but it sometimes does. It’s not darker all the time either, just seems to feel like it at times.
Overall, I’m super happy with how it looks. Whether I get a tattoo to cover it or not, I’m unsure of at this stage. I love tattoos don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to get one just for the sake of getting one. The scar doesn’t bother me too much, but I know it upsets the wife – so we’ll see.
PENIS
Feeling
Again, I have some form of sensation across the whole penis. The feeling is still displaced in some places (thigh, pubic area etc), but most of it is felt where it’s meant to be.
I’ve heard that people are told that what sensation they’ll have, they’ll have at the year mark. Crap. I almost took my finger off a few years ago, and the feeling only fully came back after 7 years. It’s dependant on you – and the best thing you can do is try to stimulate the nerves.
Appearance
Look. I’m under no illusion that there are limitations as to what can be achieved cosmetically with Phalloplasty. My penis isn’t perfect, but he’s mine.
Unless you were staring right at it, you wouldn’t know something was different. The scarring has healed really well and when I finally get back around to the laser hair removal, he’ll be looking even better 🙂
Size-wise I’m happy with what I have. I would have liked a little bit longer, but only really a centimetre or two at most. Girth is no issue at all. Things are of a size which makes it comfortable to sit and stand and run etc.
Sex
As you can imagine, penetrative sex is difficult as things currently stand. However, it is possible, and it is quite pleasant (to put it mildly).
I have had no loss of sensation in my clitoris. It was moved on stage one to be closer to the underside of my penis, and in stage two it was tucked away neatly in a little nub. It has retracted slightly – making it look like it’s in a little cave now – but feeling is as strong as ever.
Size-wise I am happy with what I have. It’s workable as things are, but I guess the real test will come once the erectile device has been put in.
Urination
I’m happy to report that this does not appear to be an issue anymore. Hopefully it stays that way!
I thought I overthought peeing when I had to sit down and was worried about how it sounded compared to guys standing to pee… my god, the last 6 months have shown me that there is SO MUCH MORE overthinking you can do!!! I still feel like I’m peeing with a little bit less force than I possibly should be, but if I go for Stage three and Hans is happy – I’m happy.
SCROTUM
Feeling
I’m actually still a bit numb in a lot of areas on my scrotum, but it’s coming back slowly. A lot was done to the area, and to be honest I think I’d prefer the numbness than the pain lol.
Appearance
Like a mini empty potato sack. No seriously though, it looks like you would expect an empty scrotum to look. Hans is confident there will be no issues with getting implants in there. I’ve told him that if something happens and I can only get the pump in there for some reason – I’m happy with that. I know plenty of guys with one testicle, and I don’t particularly care if I have to slot into that group.
GRAFT SITES / PUBIC AREA
Appearance
Everything is looking quite good actually. My bum scars can barely be seen at all (thanks body hair!), my glansplasty site on my hip is healing nicely, and you can only just see the scars on my public bone and the inside of my leg from stage one!
The only scar that you can see really well at the moment is from the two suprapubic catheters (they went through the same hole both times), and that will heal in time.
Weirdly (or not), I’ve noticed that the hair on my pubic area is growing at different rates. On the top, it’s growing at a slow pace; on my scrotum however is grtowing really quickly. I’m not concerned, it’s just odd lol.
My Transition FtM 